Friends of Footprints

Friends of Footprints is a selection of letters written to Margaret Fishback Powers, the author of internationally famous poem Footprints. The letters are from people touched by the poem. Some deal with heartbreaking loss, while others are uplifting stories of spiritual renewal. The attached is one such letter filled with God's love, faith and beauty.

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Dear Margaret,

For many years I have loved and appreciated your poem Footprints. It has had a profound influence on my life. My love for God is very deep, and your poem has sent a beautiful message to me whenever pain and hurt have clouded my path and I felt like I was walking alone in this journey through life.

In this letter, I would like to share with you some of the very difficult trials and testings I have experienced in my life. It is very emotional to write about these painful experiences, but I pray that I will write this with openness and clarity and fully express that all glory goes to God for my healing. He is the divine healer. God has blessed you, Margaret, with the beautiful gift of writing. I hope that this letter will express to you the many blessings you have given to my family and myself.

My father was killed in a very tragic plane crash when I was six and it became impossible for me as a child to understand that God truly loved me and would protect me. For years I questioned, "How could He be a loving God to take my Daddy like that?" My life was filled with so many unanswered questions and buried pain. By the time I reached adulthood, my life was ruled by many fears. Within my fragile shell, there was a tremendous fear of death. As I looked out into the busy world, I did not find answers, only more pain and tragedy being reported daily in the media.

When I became a new mom, I felt overwhelmed with responsibility for this new life. At this time a very special Christian woman came into my life and gently shared God's love with me. Through her sincere expression of God's love, I came to know Jesus Christ. My heart was renewed and it felt like life had a real purpose. God became my Father and although there was still a sting in my heart from my Dad's tragic death, God removed all the fear and anxiety surrounding it. A few months later, my husband Ray came to know the Lord at a presentation of the Jesus film. We were baptized a few weeks later and it was the beginning of a new life together, walking with Jesus.

My first experience with Footprints was as a gift in celebration of our baptism from the friend who had led me to the Lord. I was deeply touched at how the poem so beautifully illustrated how He will always be there, in good times and bad. We placed it on our wall, but it has forever been etched in our hearts.

Life is forever changing, and the years seemed to pass by so quickly. Ray and I appeared to be growing spiritually, but it seemed so slow in comparison to how very fast-paced our lives were becoming With five children in tow, we seemed to be chasing life. It seemed so very much easier to flip on the TV than to pick up the Bible. We were entering a desert, and I found myself longing for the intimacy with God that I had had in the earlier days. I found myself questioning this busy life and all its twisted values. Still, I knew in my heart that God was sovereign and that He knew the plan for my life. Learning to put all my trust in Him was about to become my life's greatest challenge.

A visit to my doctor and a pregnancy test revealed that another whole new life had begun within me. I felt renewed and there was a well of joy within my soul. I could focus on that little life and I felt it lift me out of my sadness. I surprised my husband with the news at the beach. Our baby was his birthday present, and his birthday card read. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HONEY, OUR BABY IS DUE IN MAY." He was so surprised and overjoyed that he jumped up from the park bench and yelled. "We are going to have a baby!" We shared this good news with our children and together we celebrated and looked forward to the exciting months ahead.

In January, Ray and I experienced the most painful and tragic loss of our lives. Through a routine ultrasound on January 19, our baby was tragically diagnosed with anencephaly, a fatal neural tube defect. My heart filled with deep sorrow as the doctor watched the screen and told us they could not get a good image of our baby's head. Sorrow, disbelief and shock filled my soul. The ultrasound specialist and technician were not able to discuss our baby's condition with us, and all we knew was that something was terribly wrong. Immediately we were sent over to our family physician.

Our doctor's office is situated across the street from the hospital, and I will never forget that walk. I felt like collapsing. It took every ounce of my strength to walk into the office. We were comforted by our doctor, who is a Christian, but it brought on unbearable pain to hear him say, "Your baby is incompatible with life and cannot survive outside the womb." At first, our doctor felt it was probably best to end the pregnancy through early induction of labour so that we could, hopefully, move on with our lives. Early labour at twenty-one weeks would have immediately ended our baby's life. We respected our doctor's medical opinion but we could not envision terminating the little life within me.

We tried to compose ourselves for the difficult drive to pick up our children after school, but we knew we could not keep it from them. Sorrow was written all over our faces. At home, we sat together, and the tears just kept flowing all through the evening. We called our church prayer chain and asked for prayer. Before our children's bedtime, we all gathered together in prayer. It felt like a dark curtain had fallen upon us. We asked God to help us and we gave our little baby back to Him in prayer. As we shared our tears that night, God brought us all a healing night's rest.

In the morning, I felt a deep peace within my spirit ("And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7) and felt the dark curtain gradually lifting. Our baby was still moving about which brought comfort to me. Later that day, we went to Grace Hospital for more testing, but the diagnosis was confirmed. Words cannot express the sorrow Ray and I felt as we watched our baby move about on the screen. The ultrasound was very detailed and the doctors shared with us that we were having a little girl. She was so carefree and comfortable, and her little hands moved about in search of her mouth. She was perfect everywhere except for her brain development. It seemed so unfair and cruel, and our hearts asked God, "Why?" I didn't feel bitter, but I did ask God, "I don't want riches and fancy things — why can't I have another little life to love?"

Our doctors were very sensitive to our pain but they had to discuss the difficult options we had. Our first option was a "D & C," which is an abrupt termination of pregnancy, also known as an abortion. Our second option was to have an induction of labour at this early stage, give birth and hopefully get on with our lives. Our third and last option was to carry our baby to term. It was explained to us that anencephalic babies are rarely brought to term, most are aborted, either naturally or through medical intervention.

We left the hospital with a feeling of numbness and fatigue. Perhaps that was God's way of protecting us from our pain. Later that evening, we gathered together in prayer and again committed our baby to the Lord. We named her Christiana Shere and she became such a part of our family on that special night. We knew in our hearts that we could not end our baby's life, but at times we were overwhelmed knowing that she faced such severe complications. Ray and I openly shared our fears and thoughts with each other and it sometimes crossed our minds that perhaps the merciful thing to do was to start the early labour and give birth. But how can you put a date to your child's death, plan it and say it was merciful?

A community of believers pulled together. We were truly upheld by prayer. Three days after the diagnosis I found, through prayer, the will of the Lord. A friend called me and prayed with me over the phone. Her prayer, "Just as God protected Shere in her mother's womb, so shall He protect this child and He will fulfil the number of her days." That prayer profoundly touched my spirit and clearly spoke to me that God was in control of our child's life. My friend read Exodus 23: 25-26 and from that moment on, I felt God sending me a message that He would fulfil the number of her days.

We informed the specialists of our desire to carry our baby to term. They acknowledged that our decision was rare. A few people questioned our decision and asked, "Do you fully understand what you are doing?" We stood firm in our conviction in the sanctity of life. God truly blessed us and brought beauty through our tragedy. He lifted our spirits and filled us with a peace that the world could not explain.

The beautiful poem Footprints had always inspired me. At this time in my life, I could truly feel the beauty of its message. I knew that the days ahead were going to be very difficult, but I felt comforted knowing that God would carry Christiana and I through this painful journey. For my husband Ray, at times the pain was almost unbearable as he watched and felt our baby playfully move within me. Her life seemed so carefree and healthy, it was very hard for both Ray and me to fully comprehend what her diagnosis meant.

In the days ahead, God renewed my joy for the little life within me. Each day became very special. I realized that if this was all the life I could give her and all the love I could share, then I was determined to infuse every ounce of love into her during those precious few months. It was not a sacrifice, it was the loving thing to do. She was my precious child.

Time seemed to pass so quickly, and I felt so many times that I just wanted time to stand still. I wanted to carry her within me forever. The doctors had informed us that Christiana could die at any time, but most often babies afflicted with anencephaly die during labour or shortly after birth. We were so thankful to God for each new day we had with our little Christiana. She brought joy to our children as they felt her playful kicks and reassuring movements. It was so beautiful to watch our children surround this precious life within me with love. She was treated to endless music, her brothers and sisters' piano and violin, and my flute playing. I loved to play my flute to her and I could feel her respond as I played.

The days drew closer to the end of my pregnancy and I did not want to let go of our little Christiana. I wanted to carry her forever, but I realized that God loved her and He would take good care of her. (It is very emotional to share about her because it was so very tragic and yet beautiful at the same time.) We chose not to have her heartbeat monitored during labor, as we had peace that her life rested in His hands. We were filled with a heaven-sent joy when the doctors told us she survived labor, but they said she didn't have much time. They passed her to me quickly because she was having some difficulty breathing. As she entered my arms and I spoke gently and prayed with her, she miraculously calmed and her breathing improved. I did not feel any fear and all of my energy was focused on loving her. l marvelled at her precious little face and beautiful hands. She was chubby and our family doctor spoke out and said, "A job well done, Shere!" There was such a feeling of thanksgiving in the room for each new breath she took. She was determined to live long enough to be hugged and cherished by Mom and Dad, all her brothers and sisters, close family, medical staff and her very special dedication service held in the labor/delivery room. Shortly after everyone left, Ray and I had some very intimate moments with Christiana. Her eyes were swollen from the birth, but just before she slipped away, she miraculously lifted her eyelids. I remember our special nurse, Charlene, saying, "Look at those blue eyes." Ray and I both felt she wanted to look at Mom and Dad before she said her goodbye. As dawn approached, she peacefully slipped from her father's arms into her Heavenly Father's presence. A tape of my flute music played gently in the background as Christiana went home to Heaven.

In Christiana's short but very important life, she touched more hearts than many people touch in all their years of living. We were deeply moved by the enormous outpouring of love and support for our family. We will never forget the warmth we felt as countless prayers blanketed us with His love and peace.

Christiana sent a powerful message to the medical community that life is very precious. She was not perfect, but life is not perfect either and therefore no one had the right to take her life before His time. God is the giver of all life and life is to be valued as a most precious gift. I feel this so very deeply and, being adopted, I feel it has intensified my conviction for life. Through much pain, my birth mother unselfishly gave me life. Adoption meant that my parents could receive a gift of life. I thank God that I am alive today, and I thank Him also for the loving parents He gave me. With our baby's tragic diagnosis, I felt God was allowing me to experience the ultimate test of unconditional love. But when I finally, "Let go and let God," the many blessings flowed and God's grace carried me.

This letter is so much longer than I intended and l hope that you can understand how important it's been for me to write and work through my thoughts and feelings. It's the first time since her death that I have relived all those months, and it's taken me some time to write this letter. I have felt a tremendous healing in sharing this with you, and I pray that God will use this for His glory.

Footprints is woven into the tapestry of my life. Margaret, and I find it so beautiful for you to become my friend when for so long you were "Author Unknown."

Love, your friend,

Shere
British Columbia

But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 19:14

Copyright © 2000 Margaret Fishback Powers